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May 2016
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Sun, Sep. 9th, 2012 04:23 pm

Invite you over anymore...

I've washed off your scent and presence.

off the towel you've been using
off the sheets
off the pillowcases
off my body.

Is it time?

to throw away your toothbrush?
to strip the paint off my walls?
to break what you've fixed?
to forget how you felt?

Current Mood: moody moody


Mon, May. 23rd, 2016 09:32 pm



1    USA (CA, NY, TX, NV, PA, WA, DC, HI) 1988
2    Mexico (TJ, Ensenada) 1997
3    Canada (Toronto) 2004
4    Philippines (Iloilo, Boracay, Manila, Cebu, Zamboanga, Negros, Baguio, Bohol, Banaue, Sagada)
5    China (Beijing, Harbin, HK, Tianjin, Louyang, Xi'An) 2002, 2005
6    Thailand (Bangkok, Koh Sukorn) 2005
7    Belgium (Ghent, Antwerpen, Brussels) 2005
8    Netherlands (Rotterdam, Nieuw Vosmeer, Bergen Op Zoom, Zeeland, Amsterdam) 2005
9    Spain (Madrid) 2005
10  France (Paris) 2006
11  England (London, Salisbury, Stonehenge) 2006
12  Egypt (Cairo, Luxor, Mt. Sinai, Dahab, Aswan, Abu Simbel, Western Desert) 2006
13  Costa Rica (Puerto Viejo, Tortuguero, Rara Avis, La Fortuna, Monteverde, Quepos-Manuel Antonio) 2007
14  Venezuela (Caracas, Choroni, Chichireviche, Coro, Sta Elena, Ciudad Bolivar, Sta. Fe, Isla Margarita) 2008
15  Colombia (Sta Marta, Tayrona, Baranquilla, Cartagena) 2008
16  Ecuador (Cayambe, Otavalo, Papallacta, Quito, Selva, Banos, Cuenca) 2008
17  Peru (Mancorra, Trujillo, Lima, Pisco, Nasca, Arequipa, Colca Canyon, Cusco, Ollantaytambo, Puno) 2008
18  Bolivia (La Paz, Cochabamba, Sucre, Potosi, Salta Uyuni) 2008
19  Chile (San Pedro Atacama, Antofagasta, Santiago, Valparaiso, Vina del Mar, Pucon, Puerto Varas) 2008
20  Argentina (Bariloche, Foz du Iguassu, Buenos Aires) 2008
21  Uruguay (Colonia, Montevideo, Salto) 2008
22  Paraguay 2008
23  Brasil (Sao Paolo, Paraty, Ilha Grande, Rio de Janeiro, Foz do Iguazu, Salvador, Olinda, Praia di Pipa, Recife, Jericoacoara, Barrerinhas, Grandes Lencois, Sao Luis, Belem, Manaus) 2008
24  Vietnam (Hanoi, Halong Bay, Hue, Hoi An, Nha Trang, Mekong Delta, Ho Chi Minh (Saigon)) 2008
25  Cambodia (Phnom Phen, Siem Reap, Angkor) 2008
26  Laos (Vientienne, Pakse, Vang Vieng, Luang Prabang, Phonsavan) 2008
27  Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur, Cameron Highlands) 2008
28  Indonesia (Jakarta, Yogyakarta, Borobudor, Prambanan, Gunung Bromo, Ubud) 2008
29  Australia (New South Wales - Sydney, Anna Bay, Great Lakes) 2008
30  India (Delhi, Agra, Fatephur Sikhri, Ranthambore Park, Jaipur, Pushkar, Udaipur, Ranaghpur, Jodphur, Jalsaimer, Bikaneer, Mandawa, Varanassi) 2010
31  Nepal (Lumbini, Chitwan, Pokhara, Kathmandu) 2010
32 South Korea (Seoul) 2010
33 Mexico (Cancun, Playa del Carmen, San Cristobal, Palenque, Merida) 2013
33 Belize (Caye Caulker, Belize City, San Ignacio) 2013
34 Guatemala (Tikal, Flores, Rio Dulce, Livingston, Guatemala City, Antigua, Chichi, Panajachel) 2013
35 Turkey (Istanbul, Ankara, Goreme/Cappadocia, Konya, Antalya, Kas, Pethiye, Pamukkale, Selcuk, Ephesus, Canakkale, Troy, Gallipoli) 2014
36 Morocco (Marrakech, Casablanca, Rabat, Meknes, Chefchaouen, Fes, Midelt, Sahara Desert, Todra Gorge, Ait Benhaddou, Essaouira) 2015

still going...

Current Mood: excited excited


Fri, May. 10th, 2013 11:44 pm

well, you said "no" already.

and, i have to follow it through.

blocked your number.

it's all good.

it'll all be good in the end.

friendship, my ass.

we'll keep upping each other.

my shit is better than yours.

ours was and could've been the best of them all.

dick head.
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Thu, Nov. 1st, 2012 10:16 pm

with impatient idiots



Tue, Oct. 30th, 2012 09:07 pm

Just because you say you want to go there does not mean you're going in the right direction.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: apathetic


Mon, Sep. 3rd, 2012 03:26 am

I'm sorry. I did it. And, I will probably never fess up to it.

Truly, I'm so sorry.

And, I am still a chicken-shit.


Fri, Aug. 24th, 2012 11:32 pm

Just realized you're never going to get over that one...

Just like you admitted, it was flawless and seamless

Just as the truth seared through me

Just so obvious that we're never going to be that way

Just like you mentioned, you'd always consider that one...

Just like I feel, I will never be the one.


Sun, Aug. 5th, 2012 03:41 pm

I found her. Now starts the incessant self-doubt. WTF.

Frak, frak, frak.

This is going down the drain fast...


Wed, Jun. 27th, 2012 07:03 am

Just sayin'...

You don't want me to stop caring.
It can get dangerous.

I win at waiting games.

Just sayin'...

I will read in too much to the little things.
I will remember and notice every thing.

I always walk away, stealthily.

Just sayin'...

Current Mood: aggravated aggravated


Sat, Dec. 10th, 2011 09:04 pm

So bored, but not really bored. Anxious. Perhaps.

Unsatisfied and wanting. But, not willing to commit to anything.

When I'm restless, I'm inclined to prowl.

AFF account activated again. What needless drivel can be expected this time around?

It's always someone from the opposite sex. What can be the object of my obsession now?

What's the flavor? Same old song and dance routine.

Can't wait to get away. Can't wait to come back.

To punish? To be a masochist? To poke? To prod?

Emotions are a mush and I muddy them more. Messy is right.

Current Location: United States, California, Fremont
Current Mood: bored bored


Thu, Nov. 24th, 2011 12:25 pm

Once I start lying, I can't stop.

Current Mood: cynical cynical


Mon, Nov. 10th, 2008 08:36 pm

Life is so good.  I'm am, honestly, and truly, happy.

Back from my Southeast Asia tour sans Singapore.  No worries. I don't think I missed much there.  Just another big city. 

Got to reunite with Pete and Co. in Thailand, met up and stayed with Rob and his wife Julie, in Malaysia, hung out with Ratna in Jakarta, traveled with a few old and new friends, and reuniting with family and childhood pals in the Philippines.

Lots of trips this year.  Lots of reunions with friends and family long not seen.  Lots of new experiences.  Lots of amazing moments.  Lots of growing up.   A whole lot of everything, and yet, not enough.

But, I am utterly at peace.  My heart is light.  I'm so free.  Things are much clearer for me.

I've come to terms with myself.  I've gotten to know Rhez a lot better.  I'm learning to love her and accept her.  I'm a lot more comfortable with myself as a person.  As an individual.  As a woman.

Last hurrah?  No way, I say.  Maybe the second to the last one.  Or the third or fourth.

Found transparency and direction on what is my calling in life.  I am born to tread this world.  I will travel for as long as I live.  This is home. This is when I am most secure.  When I am out there breathing and taking in life in every form and destination.  Moving forward, with no set direction...but going somewhere. 

I will never ever in this lifetime learn everything, or even most, of what this world can teach me. 

I can just feverishly and fervently keep on traveling to no end...

And, that is what I will do.

Current Location: Manila


Fri, Sep. 12th, 2008 08:07 pm


How are you getting to school?  Do you know when Mom will have a place in B for you to live in?

Don't stop going to school. Don't take another week off.  You'll never catch up.  I'll tell you that from experience.  That's what happened to me one time.  I delayed a week, and this was in college, I got a friggin D, and it didn't look good at all in the long run.  I'm telling you...don't stop or quit, even for just a week.  Sit down and just listen in class.  Take notes.  And, if you must, go to the teacher afterward, and explain to them your situation.  They'll help you out. 

You need your own room, that's very true.  I'm not there, and Mom doesn't really listen to anyone.  You need to put your foot down and tell her you want to move.  You're sick and tired of being cramped out in that house.  Really, Ken, Mom doesn't have it together all the time.  If you sit there and wait for her, you'll likely be last or fall behind.  You deserve to be in school.  You deserve to have your own privacy and room.  You'll have to take charge.

Not that I'm bad mouthing Mom.  You do understand where I'm coming from.  And, I want the best for you.  You just have to demand things from Mom.  Don't wait.  You know what you need.  Go get them.

Honestly, this is all bothering me, you know.  I want you to get the best head start in life.  This isn't helping.  Well, when I get back, I promise I'll help out as much as I can, but until then you'll have to fight for it, little brother.

Keep me posted.  I'll be leaving for Vietnam after tomorrow and on-line access will be come and go, but I will check up on you. 

Do not stop or delay going to class! 

Love ya lots,
your sis

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ken
Date: Sep 12, 2008 9:42 AM

Oh sorry for not letting you know about my day at school. I was having a bad week because I wasn't expecting to work as soon as I got my schedule. We still haven't moved >_< I was excited to go to school and all but I didn't expect everything to turn out like this. I'm still not adjusted to being in Berkeley still. I've only known this place from the visits we've been having back and forth. I don't know what Mom's doing with finding a home. I know she's looking for one but it's just starting to get me worried all the time. I know I shouldn't be worrying about the house at all but I WANT MY OWN DAMN ROOM FOR ONCE. I'm sick and tired of being at home doing nothing. I'm starting to get lazy all of sudden once school hits me. The thing that bothers me the most though is being able to figure out and complete the work they gave me. I'm just stuck there brain dead looking at my assignments and don't know what to do. I feel like I've gotten stupid from not going to school and choosing to stay home. Idk. I just need to take it easy and stop pressuring myself to know all this stuff right away. It's too overwhelming at the moment but eventually it should all settle down. Mom and I are gonna head over to the school today to see if they can make me start next week, so at least that way I won't feel like I wasn't informed enough to know what to do.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rhez
Date: Sep 12, 2008 5:57 AM

how was school?

Current Mood: discontent discontent


Tue, Sep. 9th, 2008 05:42 am

Been in Manila since last Thursday, Sept 4th.  Catching up with my Tito Ben-ben, Tita Bian, and cousin Jewel has been very good for me.  Like it has always been, when I am reunited with my family in the Philippines. 

My Tito has always been a favorite.  He was responsible for so many happy memories from my childhood.  Being here with him and his family reaffirms and validate all that I’ve seemingly forgotten while living in the land of rush and plenty.  When I am home I am once again shrouded in family, love, generosity, loyalty and tradition. 

I am once again a Filipino.  Rhezie eating with her hands, feasting on all the dishes she has longed to masticate on.  Reliving and wandering, in all the too familiar, favorite, and soothing tastes, scents, and feelings of identity and heritage.  I have culture after all.

I feel rooted and secure when I am with my family in the Philippines.   Even a mere act, such as watching Filipino comedy movies with my cousin, brings much joy.  I laugh wholeheartedly and truly enjoy myself.  I can let loose with reckless abandon.  There are no pretensions. 

This is the place that holds much meaning in the littlest of things done.  When a nick or name is said, it bears affection in the voice.  When I am back home my name really sound like music to my ears when addressed.  And, in turn, there is reverence and respect, when I greet a family member or old friend.

I think of Lola and Kongkong, and of Lola Payeng.  My uncles and aunts all looked a bit older every time I came home.  I am pretty sure I’ve aged myself.  It’s a bit disconcerting, really.  I wonder about all the family and friends that have remained, even the help that have serviced, and have been with our family since the beginning. 

I wonder about Tia Baleng…her daughter, Melba.  What of Nong Kire?  I remember the man who used to come to the house on the weekends to scrub and polish the wooden floors with a coconut husk, dug a couple water wells, and helped my Lola with yard work and gardening.  He was browned well from the Pacific sun, bobbled with a shiny, balding head, armed strong, with kind eyes, and an omnipresent smile.  He supported a wife and loads of children.  One daughter, around my age, would sometimes accompany him to our house to play with me.  I liked that a lot.

I remember Nong Kire would have his lunch in the little prep kitchen in the back.  Lola would not let him have any of what we had inside for lunch.  He was always given a big mound of leftover rice from breakfast, boiled or sautéed vegetables, and fried salty fish.  I would sometimes peek over through the screen door and watch him eat.  He always ate with gusto, with his hands, and washing down every other mouthful with a gulp of water, the glass from an old Nescafe instant coffee jar.

It was a different time then, so I was told.  It never occurred to me that time to question why Nong Kire was hardly given meat to eat.  Looking back now, I feel my Lola might have been a bit mean.  Was she that selfish or cheap?  Did social class play a part?   She wasn’t from a rich family.  Was she ever subjected or experienced the same?  Was she trying to prove something? 

Nong Kire knew his place.  He never asked for more, and worked hard and honestly for the 40-60 pesos my Lola would pay him for a full day’s work.  I heard that he worked doing construction during the week.  That’s bona fide backbreaking work that does not pay well, if hardly, at all. 

I wonder now how hard it must have been for his daughter to come and play with me, and to see all the toys, and goodies I get to have.  And, after a while, he stopped taking her with him.  He must have been weary and sore to the bone most of the time for he must’ve had to work every day of the week to feed his family.  He must have been a great father and is much loved by his children.

A few years back, at one of my homecomings, I inquired regarding Nong Kire and Lola Payeng informed me that he had passed away some time ago from some illness.  I was saddened to hear of this news.  I fervently wished that he didn’t have to suffer or had much pain.  And, I sincerely hoped that his family was doing well.

Every time I come home, there are many things that remind me of what I used to be, what I am now, and what I can be.  I look forward to having leftover rice with fried salty fish, eating with my hands, with each handful sustaining that hunger for the cherished past, present, and future.

Current Location: Jewel's Boudoir
Current Mood: electrified
Current Music: the hum of the AC


Mon, Sep. 1st, 2008 05:52 pm

I'm off to the Philippines tomorrow. Starting another adventure.  On my own, one more time.  Will meet new friends, see new places.

I dropped off the last luggage to storage.  My whole life at home fits so snugly in a 5x5 space, and with room to spare. 

Had a barbecue with the gang on Saturday, saw Harry for dim sum, dropped by the Bowen's, and had dinner with Phil yesterday...Sunday.

I have reunited with Ada and her hubby Jody, and finally met Mieke, their uber cute daughter. After 3 years, Andy (Ander Choi) somehow found me on FB, and I met his sweet wife, Linda, and oh so adorable, Hayden Maximus.

I saw my mother and Ken the week before I left for Vegas.  That was good. For all of us.

I am sick.  Too much partying in LV.  JC and I reunited with Spence.  Nothing good for my liver and kidneys ever come out of any of these trips.  I love those guys to death.  They sure know how to party better than rockstars.

Stopped by LA enroute back to SF and spent a couple days with GM.  It was real good to see him.  I missed him more than I thought.  Then my illness was compounded by a spider bite which progressed to an even bigger welt than the ones I got in Venezuela. My leg hurt and I hobbled around for a few days.  I'm on antibiotics, prescribed by Greg's roommate's physician bf.  Amoxicillin, will wipe out my system for sure.

What a way to start a trip to third world countries. 

I really hope I make it out of this one alive.  Har har har.

Band Aids? Check.
Neosporin? Check.
Ibuprofen? Check.
Immodium? Check.
Benadryl? Check.
Vitamins? Check.
Absinthe? Check.
G Goose? Check.
Insurance? Check.
Ticket? Check.
Backpack? Packed with not a cm to spare.
Cash? Oh shit. 

Current Mood: awake awake


Wed, Aug. 13th, 2008 10:37 am

Done with the DUI program.  I'm off to the DMV on Friday to get my license back with full driving privileges.

19 days until my Southeast Asian adventure commences.  The usual butterflies, knot in the stomach, anxiety, apprehension, excitement, freedom, and longing abound.

Going on a travel spree to see friends.  Flying to Las Vegas from the 22nd to the 25th to reunite with Spence.  JC will also be there.  Then, off to spend a couple days in LA (Venice Beach) to be with GM. 

I saw MM in LA, the beginning, upon my return.  That did not really accomplish anything.  Just reiterated what we both know.  It's great, but that's it.  We're not seeking for greatness.  We're reaching for love.

Finally met DC, in LA as well.  That seems to promise a lot for the future.  Friendship and hints at more.  Yet, nothing at the moment.  I simply can't.

Life has been surprisingly wonderful.  I can go out like this every lifetime.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable


Tue, Jul. 29th, 2008 08:39 pm

Group classes are great.  Just been to my third one.  Two more to go. 

Next week I will fly out to LA to meet up with DC.  Finally, after 4 years, the first time.

Not sure what to expect.  But, I'm the adventurous and more spontaneous one, I'd like to think.  

Bird and house sat for Alex's friend, Susan, for about 10 days.  She lived in not so sunny Sunset district, but it was great.  I saw a lot of friends.  Brian L, Scott P, Pisano, a lot of Al, Harry, and even met Steven S. for the first time over dimsum.

The weekend was good.  Spent Saturday with the gang and went to Fatlace's Hellaflush event, and beer hopping with lil Chris and Al.  Al and I hit up a Bev Mo and found a bottle of cachaca and made caipirinhas back at Susan's.

Sunday was D's birthday, so Al, Chris and I went ahead to Hakone Gardens in Saratoga to set up a picnic.  Then they went rock climbing at Planet Granite.  We ended the day's festivities in San Jose's Japantown at some expensive Japanese restaurant.

I am now fasting.  Started Monday.  I'm cranky as hell.  And, hungry as fuck.  Patience...need to meditate and use this time to expel toxins and bad chi.  Grr....seven more days.

Current Mood: cranky cranky


Sun, Jul. 6th, 2008 05:59 pm

Your Review:  The Only One

By Maven in California from San Jose, CA on 7/6/2008

Pros: Good Capacity, High Quality, Easy To Access Items, Easy To Carry
Best Uses:  Long Vacations
Describe Yourself:  Practical
Primary use:  Personal
Bottom Line:  Yes, I would recommend this to a friend

I just came back from a 6 month trip in South America, covering 10 countries. The Osprey Waypoint 80, aka 'The Brick' was smallest and compact pack out of 8 in our group, but the 2nd heaviest one. I started with 25 lbs at take off and checked in 55 lbs at the end of the trip.

Hardly any wear and tear, except for the top part of the frame (squarish area) where it kept getting rubbed and smashed around on the buses, taxis, and boats. Nothing a few strips of duct tape for reinforcement didn't remedy.

I didn't use the day bag that came with because it was a bit too small, and the straps made it a challenge to wear in front. I opted in buying a REI sling bag instead, which easily slid in front (for security reasons) while carrying my pack.

The side zip opening made it very convenient for organized packing, opening and closing. I had a top loading pack before and wasn't so keen on unloading everything to get to stuff in the bottom.

One nifty feature I enjoyed using is the zipped covering area. You can unclip and stow the straps in the zippered area and carry your pack like a duffel bag. No worries about snags while on buses and planes.

In a couple of months, the Brick and I are setting off again to SE Asia and India...

Current Location: San Jo @ FTC & D's
Current Mood: impressed impressed
Current Music: dogs barking


Wed, Jul. 2nd, 2008 09:47 am

Been back home for 15 days now.

My first week was mostly spent by sorting through the 5 months worth of pictures and working on updating my website. Flew out to LA to spend a couple of days with MM who had a break from tour and was home (somehow we always happen to be in the same area during those in betweens). Re-enrolled in DUI class, Saturdays again. I had 9 to go, now 7. Took care of my taxes (FTC, bless his soul) submitted one digit off on the EFT, which was the reason the IRS and state never debited my account. I also contacted a buddy who's an insurance broker and got my SR-22, which would enable me to get a restricted permit to drive.

I was still rideless on my second week. So, Al drove me to SF to visit Philippine Airlines and purchased my hugely discounted air ticket to Asia on Monday. $760 round trip, high season at that. I will take off again on September 2nd, and coming back January 16th next year. Thursday, D took me to DMV and with the SR22 and $140 I was able to get a restricted permit. I then went to see UJ and borrowed the Lexi.

This third week, I started to go and hang out. Monday CD came by and we caught up at Armadillo Willy's. Last night JC came by and we barhopped at Santana Row. My how we missed our other partner in crime, Spence, who's back home in Vegas. Today, I think is AL's day. But, I'm not sure about that guy. It's definitely a sick love-hate type of friendship I'm fostering with that one. I will have to call PP and set up an appointment. D and FTC are off to Oregon for a week, Lil Chris got thrown out of his place and will be crashing here at the casa as well. The boys (pets) and I have all the time in the world to sit outside and enjoy the sun.

11 weeks home. 9 more to go.

Sweet, sweet, delicious dog days of summer.

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful


Sun, May. 25th, 2008 09:24 pm

more days...maybe less